Dec. 29th, 2008

cosette_valjean: (Default)
I'm not doing well. Not happy at all. I have all these dark assumptions that Greg is lying to me and actively avoiding me. That perhaps he wants to break up but doesn't know how.

What is more likely is that he finds himself in a rough place because of his deception hiding me from his family and so lies to me to cover up that mess as he lies to them. WTF is this all about? Why is deception so necessary to him?

I do not feel affection from him or hardly any warm feeling other than sexual desire which he swears he only exhibits because I need it and he would rather be "good." His emails are terse, lacking in any real emotional information. And he routinely sees me only twice a month for the past few months. I can't live on this. It isn't enough. It's not fair to ask me to be focused on him only when he gives me so little.

If he gave me any kind of real emotional communication and connection in email or calling I think I might be able to hold it together....but even so...I can not deny my needs are not getting met.

I need attention. I need to be with a man who tries as hard as possible to be with me as much as humanly possible. A man that can't wait to see me and spend time with me and shower me with love and affection. A man who enjoys me and knows me and understands me. I begin to think this utterly impossible.

If I take an objective look at the facts, his behavior is more of a man with a casual regular hook-up than a man in a serious relationship with emotional connection and importance. But I have to factor in that he is hugely emotionally damaged from years of being bi-polar and unmedicated. He never really went to therapy even after the breakdown two years ago that put him in the hospital.

Even so I can not ignore that blaring non-happiness ocurring. He simply may not be capable of making me happy for whatever reasons. I will talk to him and give him one more chance, but if things do not improve within two months, I'm done.

I'm sad though because I really do love him. Part of the reason I'm so unhappy is because I really miss him. I smell his distinctive scent on the pillow next to me and want to sob.

I have reached my most cyncical state about romance and yet I can not do casual sex emotionally. I need stability and commitment. What will I do with myself? I have a higher than average sexual desire. I'm doomed either way.

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cosette_valjean

August 2009

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