Feb. 17th, 2009

cosette_valjean: (Default)
There you are again
Hanging on the edges of my mind
Like a hentai tentacle monster
Whose loathsome arms grow right back
Now matter how I hack.

What would he think about this?
How would he feel?
Why did he do that, say that?
How would he react now?
What if this happened to him?
What if that?
"What if" to infinity.

I have at least banished you
From my maddening merciless dreams.
It only took never seeing your face
Not even so much as a picture.
Not even so much as a musical note.

How can your echo still be with me?
You were never my lover, hardly my friend.
How can I be this ridiculous?
I see every flaw.
I see every possible sneer.
And yet still there you stay
Entwined in my heart and mind.

I see even the way
We would rip into each other
Until all that remains are
Two quivering heart-dead masses
But even that will not exorcise you.

It makes no sense to feel this way
About a man I hardly know.
I am haunted by a love that lives
Outside of space and time.
It cares not for trivial things
Like compatibility and comfort.
It is pervasive as air.

I began the mantra of
"I forgive you; I forgive me."
When I was seething, cringing
At the mention of your name,
Hoping it would open my prison doors.

Although the cringing stopped
I was not freed.
I tried mentally wishing you happy
Sending you on your way
Saying to myself I would never see you.
And yet your ghost remains
Choking me in lugubrious chains.

I forgive this human weakness
That fills me with this vague need
That sets my heart on fire
With anguish, anger and desire.
I forgive your coldness and your fear.

In my brighter moments
When I feel every particle
Inside and out hum and buzz with joy
This love seems a beautiful thing,
A cloth of diamond weave
Woven tightly around me like a cocoon
Making me into a butterfly.

I look forward to the day
Perhaps in two or three years
When I realize suddenly
I have not thought of you for months
And I wish you happy and well.

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cosette_valjean

August 2009

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