Jul. 22nd, 2009

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When I was a child I was exceedingly passive. There was hardly any sense of self. I was simply a portion of a whole. I belonged to the Sherman family, was part of Karen and Rachel, belonged to my tiny missionary school and in a sense I saw myself as representing America on Japanese shores. I literally thought of "myself" in these lenses. I was heart broken at the thought of having in any way been linked to the horrible deaths of innocent people burned alive where they stood by atomic bombs. I had this thought when I was seven.

Compassion came to me like breathing back then. I can remember crying about my fellow classmates who I was not sure would end up in heaven as early as the age of four and all the way until I was 17. Gradually over time I developed a sense of my true self and with it came passions. I think the process truly gained speed when I finally left home at the age of 17 to go to a ridiculous Bible thumping college. I went there against my parent's will, you see. And my sister's dominating personality was removed far from me for the first time in my life.

I began to have wants, desires, thoughts all my own in no way attached to anyone else. Most of the time I kept my inner self hidden from view and stayed passive on the outside. I revealed myself to a few close friends at college. I still have this habit of hiding who I truly am and often it is reinforced by fierce rejections. Still overall after 30 odd years I am more myself on the outside than I ever was. There is much less hiding these days....just the rather particular things..the odd things are left in the dark.

There have been relationship casualties to this process though. Breaking apart can be painful and leave a shadow of once was in interpersonal relations. I have learned that I have a temper and a habit of saying imprudent and ridiculous things, particularly making promises about human interaction that are almost impossible to keep. I have this strong desire to not make waves and just belong again and it is accentuated by the sense of loneliness I get from my continued indulgence in my passions and delighting in my true self. So I end up being a typical example of a people pleaser even as I quietly keep my distance emotionally.

My family interaction is almost a joke. We go on acting as if we are close but we have huge chasms of not understanding each other and not knowing quite what to say without starting some argument. I have become the proverbial black sheep and it is truly ironic since I started out a little angel, always the one to be obsessively good.

To complete this journey I must find a way to perceive myself as part of a whole again, part of the entire human race connected together in a mass of existence, part of something even larger than that, a collective consciousness that reaches beyond life or death. Now that I have broken apart to birth passion I must reunite with compassion and community bringing gifts of beauty perception and diversity of experience. Finding a small community to interact with on a regular basis will help with this perception and growth. I must learn to balance passion with compassion, forgiveness with ferocity of desire, self with community.

In my lucid dreams I am a creature of joy sometimes rather careless and fierce in my dealings with the world I experience there. Lately there has been more of the super-ego. I've been helping more but often in a callous cold way. I've been forgiving more even while feeling afraid and disgusted. When the compassion I felt as a child comes as naturally to me in the dreaming sphere then I know I will have grown in the ways that I have desired and do desire.
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I did not believe in ghosts or reincarnation for most of my life. Only in the past six years after very intense lucid dreaming have I begun to reshape my view of what is possible. What I am about to say may be complete bullshit and I'm alright with that. I'm ok with it being nebulous and a mere possibility. I've seen patterns and I thought perhaps I would write down what I have observed.

First of all the world I experience out of body in my dreams lucidly no matter how emotionally intense or visually stunning never quite has the same zing as being inside a body. There is no real pain although it is possible to feel echoes of it and there is very little sensual pleasure even though there is echoes of that as well. These nerves and brain sensations do quite a lot to our experience of existing. It brings it all home when your emotions and thoughts translate into bodily sensation. It is all just an ethereal exercise up until that point. Plus there is power here that is not as easily accessed while not in body. It's hard to describe exactly why that is or how that is. I just feel it like a child rejoicing in the flow of a river.

The draw to keep coming back is like the draw to keep breathing. Those who are awake enough can help mold themselves and their future lives. Those who just leap and do not look merely ride along the current sometimes stirring and sometimes slipping further into sleep. Life here is almost like a game in the sense that it is a continual challenge to test yourself and your capabilities. What can I do next? Where shall I go? Who shall I be? Will I do better here, I wonder? It's like sports. What new goal shall I set for myself?

I used to be horrified by the concept of never having a chance to just rest already from all the pain and trial but now I realize that is a thing of joy to have the hope of continual growth and experience and existence would be horribly boring without it. Plus there is a time of rest when one must regain the energy and learn all one can while out of body before going back.

Also personal energy is not limitless. It is possible to get stuck as a shadow of this bodily sphere if you are too attached to something there. You need energy to travel back to the non-body sphere and often spirits need help finding it and remembering how to go back. It's very comforting to me to know that we are all connected and help each other naturally. Some people help spirits even while unconscious in their second nature while they sleep. There are those stronger spirits who help continually those with questions and those who need guidance on how to help themselves and others. They seem like they have been without body for ages upon ages but I'm fairly certain they too will come back eventually to the body sphere for growth and power and because they often can touch the lives of many more while in body.

I've been thinking of free will and determinism lately. It seems to me that life has a mixture of both and not completely one or the other. An awake spirit decides what goals to strive for and sets its path and an asleep one lets his gut instinct and desires guide the path he will walk but each spirit then decides every second how he will react to his circumstances whether consciously chosen at one point or not. Will one grow or will one shrivel? And every choice affects the next circumstance.

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cosette_valjean

August 2009

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