Jan. 2nd, 2008

cosette_valjean: (Sea Arch)
I utterly anihilated two friendships this year. There aren't even any charred remains. For months now I've been thinking of the causes this new phenomna in my life. I've gained a little bit of understanding at what might have been the driving force of my explosive behavior.

Both friendships were frought with jealousy and insecurity because of a shared sexual partner. An outsider might have wondered why it took so long for the relations to implode and turn nasty. All three of us tried to act above our impulses and live in kindness and have open minds. A relationship is on pretty shaky ground when you are patting yourself on the back that you don't act like so much of the rest of the world would in the same situation. There was a tension there that even as one acted considerate and happy the subconscious is so puzzled and watches amazed at the scene and feels like shouting, "What about all the pain and fear?"

I plan not to put myself in that position again as much as possible. At least not to share in having a sex partner. At the point of fracture however things seemed to have been resolved on that score. But they were not completely resolved emotionally and there was still much fear of loss in my heart and in another one's heart. Apparently I am not strong enough to handle the constant struggle with feelings of jealousy and the contrast of having friendly interactions. It seems my subconscious wanted free of this cycle and found ways to sabatoge the relationships. Self-centered behavior and callous feeling prevailed in my interactions with them. I regret my nasty behavior and yet I see in my heart a feeling of release and relief and a feeling of finally letting go of a damaging cycle.

The sad thing is that both women are amazing people and I wish so much that I never found myself on the opposite side of jealousy with them. This is what it means to be human. This is what it is to thrash about in this life and damage beautiful things because of our weakness. So if I find myself in a situation with such duality again, I will simply need to address it and say that I can not be too close to the person because of it. I have found a limit within myself and I'd rather not push it if it means hurting somebody again.

In theory I could push myself to be a stronger person, but honestly the stress is immense and the relief substantial. I find I prefer simplicity in interactions even if the complex relationships are much more stimulating to the mind.


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August 2009

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