cosette_valjean: (Fuji)
The joys of internet dating
To a kind and lonely heart.

Hey, sexy, you want to ride me?
You are everything I want...maybe.

Quickly, write me, I am begging.
I, however, refuse to return the effort.

The first real life contact
Was a married mafia man.

I happened to fall in love.
How sweet the words he wove.

So many lies...where was fact?
After sex how quickly he ran.

I unconsciously made him pay.
Guilt and care consumed him.

Now he has vanished.
Why is my heart still vanquished?

Then the next guy had a way
Of making me feel like spam.

I was everything he prized.
Right up until he learned my size.

Now I often chat with a broken divorcer
Who expresses concern about my weight.

Will he still be my good friend
After he sees me end to end?

Men have very little luster
For females who do not stimulate.

The second real life encounter
May not amount to much.

In email, I asked him after a date
What his last name was outright.

He ignored my pointer.
He made no mention of such.

Seems to me he will disappear.
At least to me he is not dear.

Now two more men have arrived
To ask me to be open and alive.

I begin to have frustration
Being an open book to blind men.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
Lonely souls shuffling in the dark,
Hungry hearts aching in the cold,
Watch how they grasp at each other.
See how close they pass.

Sharp nails tear with ease
Some who stumble too near.
Steele arms squeeze away the air
From some that landed there.

How rare it is for two hearts
To see each other clearly
To know each other truly
To love each other fully.

I've been catching pieces of light.
In my dreams I see you vaguely.
You tell me we will soon meet.
You tell me all will be alright.

When will the light shine?
When will I feel your hand in mine?
When will the rhythm of our hearts
Beat together and not apart?

Was it you who called my name?
Three times I heard it faintly.
Was it you who knelt before me
To wipe away my fears while still I slept?

In a dream, we signed a contract.
In a dream, we danced in circles.
Never have I felt such love.
Never have I known such happiness.

Can this dream come true,
Or am I stuck in a happy delusion?
Can such light be found,
Or must I wander in the dark?

No matter what my brain may say
My heart waits for you.
Come, my darling, quickly please.
I grow weary of scratches in the dark.

When will the light shine?
When will I feel your hand in mine?
When will the rhythm of our hearts
Beat together and not apart?
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I'm home again safe and sound. Had a few short interesting discussions, lots of rest and a few nice moments with the kids. Not too bad for a vacation.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
In case anybody was curious, I am safe and sound at my parent's house in Alabama and I will return on the evening of the 15th. It is likley to be a slow relaxing vacation and that is a good thing. :)
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I'm seriously considering just deleting my OkCupid profile. I seem to be attracting men who are incapable of having a relationship even though they want one really really badly. Both men seriously interested in me emotionally shut down at the drop of a hat and are incapable of talking through any anger or issues towards a resolution. I think something about the internet way of meeting people attracts this sort of man. I'm really annoyed.

It seems to me the only way for me to find a man who might actually be interested in actually communicating with me even during rough spots and wanting everything I have to offer would be to meet him face to face. I'm so angry and frustrated.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I wish he would yell at me rather than this silence. I wish I met him in person rather than the internet. I would have read his fear much much much sooner and acted accordingly. I wish I could stop hurting. I wish I had some sort of hope for happiness in the future but I just see emptiness. I wish my heart could be satisfied without needing to be intimate with another human being...but it can not. I wish my deepest dreams did not involve family and love, but they do. I wish the man who awoke them so powerfully had not been also damaged. I wish I could enjoy spring and my birthday rather than wade through a bunch of pain and grasp at what I can.

I wish this fantasy had more basis in reality. I wish I could have helped him but he needed to want to change and I can't affect that. I wish...I don't know what to wish for. Love for me has been a sardonic joke. My brain has tried to approach it practically but my heart refuses to cooperate.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
Cynicism glides into the room
She sits beside my huddled form
And wraps a cold arm about my waist.
She lifts my tear-soaked chin and says:

"Listen, child, this time to my words.
I alone am here to protect you.
You only allowed me to whisper
And let Passion sway your ears.

Look, child, at the dagger
Left in your heart by Passion's hand
If peace you seek, you must leave her
Even if her other hand offers ambrosia.

Love is a fool's game.
Humans are only capable of hurting
Each other and themselves.
Romance is a fairy tale.

Take what you can find
From the hearts around you
But do not trust them for
Soon they will betray you."

As she speaks the room grows cold.
Slowly the color begins to fade.
But the dagger stings a bit less
And I try to pry it out.

Passion twists it to show she is there.
Her hot breathe whispers in my ear.
She brings the cup of ambrosia to my nose
And the sweet scent makes me dizzy as she says:

"Do not listen to that bitch, Cynicism.
She can not know what is is to love and care.
True, I thrust this dagger but better to love and feel
Than be the stone she would have and feel nothing at all.

You have drunk from this cup more than once
And was it not the sweetest drink?
Joy and beauty were your fare but
They are forever linked with the cut of my knife.

True, you have not yet found the love you seek
But why dismiss its existence just yet?
Perhaps it awaits you around the next bend.
Follow my path, my dearest, and joy I'll give again."
cosette_valjean: (Default)
Matt and I are parting ways once again but once again it is extremely amicable. If you need a more detailed explanation feel free to e-mail me. I'm hoping to move out in June. Still need to talk to my landlady about these changes. I looked at apartments and so far the place in Pontiac (closer to Auburn Hills really) is the best place for the lowest money. I was not able to see the cute apartments in downtown Rochester because the office was closed. Need to go back this weekend.

I'm feeling absolutely amazed at just how quickly life can change. Things I thought were impossible actually are beyond feasible and likely. I'm feeling happy.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I went to the hospital yesterday and talked to Karen's doctor in person. I told him calmly that I was upset with him and asked him if he had told Karen she was making up her illness. He stated that he had not told her this and that Karen had been misinforming me. I believed him based on watching Karen's interaction with him. She is twisting his statements out of fear. I realized also that he was merely following legal protocol when he told me that he is having Karen checked out by psych people to make sure she can be safe because Karen had told him herself she had taken her medicine wrong. I wish I had thought of that aspect earlier before getting so angry.

I was there when the neuro-psychiatrist tested her cognitive and memory skills and she did better than I thought she would do. I'm feeling very encouraged by this. Also Dr. Kale and the neuro-psychiatrist said that if I would put in writing that I would become legally responsible for Karen's medicine intake they would allow her to go home and not be sent to an institution. He said he might release her on Monday.

So I still have to stop by every day but at least it looks like I don't have to move in with her and that she won't have to go to one of those horrible homes.

Meditation helps lessen my nausea and dizziness and I'm very glad about that. I've even learned to incorporate some of that mental state while driving. Not completely of course but enough to influence my body. On the whole life seems a little better today.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
Karen informed me today that her doctor at Crittenton not only thinks she is pretending to be sick but also wants her to be put either in a nursing home or assisted living or some kind of government home to be watched over. I'm so very angry right now. I already had emailed a complaint about this doctor to the hospital with perhaps a little colorful language but oh well at least it shows an honest portrayal of how I feel about the matter.

I feel a bit conflicted about this whole mess. On one hand it is so scary to see just how crazy she is capable of getting and I can understand why someone would not want her to be on her own. However I know Karen better and know that on average she is capable of taking care of herself fairly reasonably. Perhaps not perfect but I think my checking once a day should be enough to keep that in check. I know that if Karen was forced to move into a home of some sort it would kill her. She would lose her will to live and I'm certain that is the only reason she is still on this plane. The only thing she clings to right now for any sense of peace and happiness is that she has her own place to do with as she pleases. She is dependent on her parents and me but still it is a nice illusion and it would break her heart to lose it.

I told her that if it took my moving in to keep her from being forced to live in one of those awful places against her will I would do so. But I also mentioned I preferred to have my own place. Living with her again would be its own type of hell. I do care for her but I was so glad to be out of that situation. So this is such a big mess. Talking with that doctor after he read my venom will be....interesting.

To top off all this pleasantness my own lupus decided to activate on Tuesday and has been gradually getting worse. I had to stay home today because the dizziness and nausea were making me that miserable. I could not even drive. I'm ready for a bit of happiness now. I've had quite enough misery, thank you.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I researched apartments closer to Karen and I was encouraged to find that there seem many options in the 500-600 a month range which I could swing but it will be tough. I'm about to make my last payment on my car which makes this possible but I had hoped to put that money towards finally getting rid of my credit card debt. Now to begin pounding the pavement and actually look at these places in person.

Darn...have to paint over my pretty purple walls now. I certainly won't miss the ceiling caving in, the leaky plumbing, loud steam heat or the hole in the floor.


Mar. 4th, 2008 09:38 pm
cosette_valjean: (Sea Arch)
When I got to the hospital I was informed by Karen's parents and a nurse that they thought Karen overdosed on her psych meds and somehow caused her to get meningitis type symptoms....? I'm a bit confused by that logic but then I'm not a medical expert, I suppose. Karen told me that she was back in the hospital because she got more pain in her head and spine and had another bad attack. Looks to me that it was caused by the lupus on the brain like before. I'm growing weary of the hospital and their non-communicating staff. I swear you would think they should at least have some sort of medical blog they all check up on per patient since none of them ever bother to look at the damn medical records. Why does every doctor I encounter when in the hospital with Karen think all her problems would be solved if she stopped taking her psych meds? My god, these people are downright obsessed about it. A brain tumor has fucked and continues to fuck with her head...and she takes meds for it. Are these meds really causing every single problem? I think it is much more likely that her lupus is behind her deterioration, thank you very much numbskulls.

I am concerned that Karen continues to suffer from severe confusion and I'm beginning to think it is possible she could mess up on dealing with her multiple complex medications. I think it might be necessary for me to check in on her once a day and arrange her pills for her and possible make sure she eats at least one good meal. She hasn't been eating well lately either. This would be a huge burden on my life and I cringe at the thought of it. I live in Hazel Park and she lives in Auburn Hills. Her parents are out of touch with reality and getting more senile and feeble. They try to care for her but really that are not too great about things that take complexity.

I wonder if I should move closer to her so that driving would not be so much and time would not be as much either. The area she lives in is so much more expensive and I really don't want to have roommates again. I don't want to get rid of my belongings either. Moving in with her is not an option for many reasons. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I just can't stand by and watch her poison herself because of her sickness and confusion.


Mar. 4th, 2008 04:25 pm
cosette_valjean: (Default)
Karen is back in the hospital in ICU with lupus attacking her brain and she is loopy again. The nurse said she didn't have any paperwork saying that I was her Medical Advocate so I starting looking into that. She never called the attorney from her divorce that I can tell. I wonder what on earth she did to make her think she took care of all this a month ago when she told me.

I now know that if I didn't sign anything nothing took effect. I wish I had investigated this sooner. Lynn printed out the document for me but Karen can not sign anything until she regains some ludicity.

I'm really scared this might be it and she could never leave the hospital. Her out of touch with reality parents might keep her a vegetable too long and I don't want her daughter getting the satisfaction of finally being the one to say her mother can die. The girl is evil. Someone that cares about her should be making this choice, not a psycho daughter.
cosette_valjean: (Me)
My sister still has not named her newest baby boy yet. I'm sure she will by today though. He was about two weeks early because the chord had wrapped around his poor little neck and he was in a little distress,not enough distress to do damage, thank goodness. He is doing very well and only 30 minutes after being born he got his first meal from my sister.

My sister is well on her way to her goal of having five children. I wonder if any of her children will ever really know who their aunt is and what she is really like. It inspires me to create more so at least they can get a glimpse. It's times like these that I regret living so far away, but then I remember my sister's and parent's narrow view of the world and feel glad to be away.
cosette_valjean: (Default)
At 7:13 on Saturday morning I was awoken by my cell phone. I didn't get there in time. I saw that it was Karen's cell calling and I listened to her message. She was barely coherent. She kept stating that she was at Crittenton Hospital on the 8th floor and that it was an emergency. She mentioned something about her kidney medication. The message cut off suddenly as she complained that it was all confused in her head.

I called the hospital after looking up the number on the interent to find out her room number. I got there around 9:00 and apparently the nurses were expecting me. Karen had made me her medical durable power of attorney about two or three weeks ago after I told her she had better get her daughter off the document since she tried to kill her mother in October. She had her lawyers from her divorce who drew up the original documents make the changes so it is official. The doctor even took the time to explain to me my rights and how it worked when I grew nervous about possible conflicts with her family, especially her daughter.

Karen was in ICU with viral meningitus. When I got there the doctors and nurses were frustrated because Karen was not making any sense and and serious memory problems at the same time. She was brought in by amubluance the night before when her parents found her screaming in pain and with a high fever. I wish I had been more together but I was overwhelmed with the responsibility and worried about Karen. My own memory was a bit scattered and foggy. They gave me some paper and I wrote everything I could remember about her medical history including recent problems. One thing is for sure, when she is better I need to get WAY more organized about her medical information.

When I told the doctor that she has lupus, he actually gave me a heart felt thank-you. It explained a lot apparently and he was concerned that it was making the meningitis much worse especially the mental side effects. I stayed at the hosptial by Karen's side until 7:30 that night. They have a nurses aid sitting with her constantly to keep an eye on her. Karen is very mobile when confused and in pain. My day was filled with watching her doze and then calming her down when she got afraid or confused. She was having some sort of attack that looked like an anxiety attack but could have been her seizures.

I went back the next day and stayed from 9ish to 6:15 without even eating lunch. The attacks were growing more frequent and severe with extreme pain in her head and spine. I tried to help her relax and not scream out and focus on her breathing and reminded her that the pain would stop. I suspect that they very well could have been some sort of seizure because when her mom brought her activater for her vegas nerve stimulator and she used it when it started coming on it stopped the attack.

She recovered remarkably quickly over those two days with the meningitis at least and they said she would probably be transferred to a regular room today. She became a lot more coherent as well and that really encourages me and takes off some pressure. The nurse thought perhaps by Thursday she could go home. I'm not so sure though because if they do find the lupus is attacking her brain they may try to get that under control first and I'm not sure that would be possible without light chemo at this point.

It was a surreal weekend. Everyone seemed so surprised a mere friend would go through all this and take on so much responsibility. When I explain to them the ineptness that is her family they gain a little understanding. I can't just stand and watch this train wreck. I want to work towards making this world a little more balanced in the love and light direction.

It is so odd interacting with her loopy parents. They think the world of me and I think so little of them. I do make allowances for their extreme age mind you but they have big strikes against them in that her father used to beat her and her mother ignored that and is emotionally cold. I told her father in no uncertain terms that I did not want Lindsey in Karen's apartment like what happened last time Karen was in the hospital in December. He pretended to not remember what happened or even broach the subject of how Lindsey might have gotten a key after Karen changed the locks.... He better not forget that I'm watching out for Karen's interests. I reminded him though. He gave me a key to her place and that seems to show that he is willing to cooperate. I'm sure he realizes that I will take a lot off of his own shoulders in my helping her.

If what the parents say can be trusted Lindsey doesn't even know her mother is in the hospital yet because they could not find her phone number. I suppose she should be told, but I feel a little relief that she may not be upsetting her mother with her presence. I'm sure she will get told eventually.

I saw way too much of Karen's naked body. The gown they gave her was far too small and kept falling off, plus she had to use the bedside commode and they gave her cream for her rash. I feel guilty for even noticing but her sickness has made her body bloated and grotesque. Her distended body is covered in skin like sand paper and she had a bright red rash over most of it from the meningitis or from her lupus. She is like a living corpse in more ways than one. Her family often treats her as if she were a ghost and all her friends she had when well seem surprised she is even alive when she runs across them. No one from that period of her life even has contact with her.

I noticed an interesting social behavior in the ICU. Family and friends that go to visit patients there have the same attitude you often see in churches. I wore a low cut shirt on Sunday and the looks and sideways glances of older women of disgust who would simply have ignored me on the street or in the mall was interesting to note. It was like my cleavage was an affront to them while they dealt with death. They seemed to think such obvious abundance of health and life must not be shown around illness and death. It was very much as if I wore a red low cut dress to the funeral of my lover.
cosette_valjean: (In the Light)
She laid an egg for the first time yesterday morning. I had started to suspect that she was female when I noticed a bulge by her vent and went online to make sure it was normal and it was normal for hens. I was starting to worry that she was egg bound since the bulge seemed to last for two weeks.

It's nice to know what sex the bird is after all. Matt was a laughing at me because I made a big deal out of calling her my little girl. Really though being a hen explains a lot about her personality. I think she has started nesting inside the folds of my silk curtain. She will go there and do the bird purring and fall asleep.

It amazed me that it took her three years to lay an egg for the first time. I suspect being in the middle of a busy apartment getting less sleep and interaction with Matt all the time brought about the stimuli for her to nest.

I hope she doesn't keep laying eggs because it is hard on their little bodies. Going to have to make sure she gets more sleep. That might help.


Jan. 30th, 2008 08:28 am
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I actually managed to do a little creative writing last night. Only one page; but, hey, it's something. Now if I can only keep the momentum going every night. It will be difficult with Matt sitting right by me. I'm so easily distracted when I try to be creative.

I ended up watching stupid TV afterwards because for some reason it helps me feel rested. Silly brain. Also I love watching how the bird reacts to it. He suddenly becomes much more friendly and interesting. It's so odd that TV noise would do that to him.

It was so cute watching him tear apart the envelope I stuck in his cage. I love the little noises he makes when he is happy or curious.
cosette_valjean: (Sea Arch)
I utterly anihilated two friendships this year. There aren't even any charred remains. For months now I've been thinking of the causes this new phenomna in my life. I've gained a little bit of understanding at what might have been the driving force of my explosive behavior.

Both friendships were frought with jealousy and insecurity because of a shared sexual partner. An outsider might have wondered why it took so long for the relations to implode and turn nasty. All three of us tried to act above our impulses and live in kindness and have open minds. A relationship is on pretty shaky ground when you are patting yourself on the back that you don't act like so much of the rest of the world would in the same situation. There was a tension there that even as one acted considerate and happy the subconscious is so puzzled and watches amazed at the scene and feels like shouting, "What about all the pain and fear?"

I plan not to put myself in that position again as much as possible. At least not to share in having a sex partner. At the point of fracture however things seemed to have been resolved on that score. But they were not completely resolved emotionally and there was still much fear of loss in my heart and in another one's heart. Apparently I am not strong enough to handle the constant struggle with feelings of jealousy and the contrast of having friendly interactions. It seems my subconscious wanted free of this cycle and found ways to sabatoge the relationships. Self-centered behavior and callous feeling prevailed in my interactions with them. I regret my nasty behavior and yet I see in my heart a feeling of release and relief and a feeling of finally letting go of a damaging cycle.

The sad thing is that both women are amazing people and I wish so much that I never found myself on the opposite side of jealousy with them. This is what it means to be human. This is what it is to thrash about in this life and damage beautiful things because of our weakness. So if I find myself in a situation with such duality again, I will simply need to address it and say that I can not be too close to the person because of it. I have found a limit within myself and I'd rather not push it if it means hurting somebody again.

In theory I could push myself to be a stronger person, but honestly the stress is immense and the relief substantial. I find I prefer simplicity in interactions even if the complex relationships are much more stimulating to the mind.


Dec. 12th, 2007 12:24 pm
cosette_valjean: (Default)
I found this amusing. How did I get 3 of the 4 to be 55 percent?

Your Score: Balance

~ 55% Water ~ 55% Wind ~ 37% Earth ~ 55% Fire ~

And I know and I believe

There's a way out to the sea of happiness

It seems your personality is in perfect harmony; your impulses are tempered with thoughtfulness, and your emotions are balanced with a healthy amount of reason.

In order to maintain that harmony, try wearing a Jade, a Chrysoprase or an Agate; all three enhance balance and stability, as does the Snowflake Obsidian that will help remain balanced during times of change.

In detail: You are more balanced than most people. Your Ground Chakra, (associated with the element of fire and representing our basic desires and driving force), your Creative Chakra, (associated with the element of earth and representing our need to preserve and grow), your Heart Chakra, (associated with the element of water and representing our sense of love and compassion), and your Throat Chakra, (associated with the element of wind and represents our desire to learn and communicate), appear to be on an equal footing with each others.

These are the results you will get if you score highly on...

None of the four elements: Balance Wind: Gust Fire: Blaze Water: River Earth: Valley Wind & Fire: Thunder Wind & Water: Clouds Wind & Earth: Canyon Fire & Earth: Lava Fire & Water: Tornado Water & Earth: Trees Wind, Fire & Earth: Storm Wind, Fire & Water: Stars Wind, Water & Earth: Forest Fire, Water & Earth: Avalanche All four elements: Harmony

Link: The Elemental Balance Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test


Nov. 28th, 2007 10:08 am
cosette_valjean: (In the Light)
A few days ago I had an inspiring thought that I am having a difficult time wrapping words around. I watch my own thoughts on the surface of my subconscious as they flow by throughout my day. On this particular day I noticed that I was tending to be rather harsh and critical of people I deemed less intellectual than me and not only them but many others caused an inner sneer. I think only Matt, Debbie and John may have ever really seen that side of me peep out. I try very hard to cover it up in my interaction with people.

When I saw myself doing this I attempted to balance my perception by reminding myself that people have many qualities by which to be measured. What triggered this particular jeer in me was a country Christmas song heard in a steakhouse. I thought of many cowboy type men who grab life by the horns as it were. The shear power of their will and the dizzying magnetism is something that does inspire awe whether they can get straight A's and ponder the workings of the universe or not. The absolute umph of energy pounding around and through them is a marvel.

I then stepped even further back and thought of all the petty distinctions of approval or disapproval I make about people. I saw life in this flesh as something of joy and beauty with so much energy it's amazing our throbbing souls don't burst. The vision was so beautiful it took my breath away. Even now it seems I hardly do it justice with these words of mine. Even all the pain somehow was a different shade of beautiful. I know that sounds so odd but it added to the intensity of color. Temporarily, I had stripped away that which was self and saw myself as part of all humanity. Even that sounds cliche to what I saw. I saw existence like a painting, a dance, a movie, a symphony some kind of achingly beautiful art. Even the paler greys and pastels of the non-bodily existence was in my mind.

I of course went back to myself and my distinctions very quickly, but I think this vision will forever haunt recesses of my consciousness just like my lucid dreams of flying, creatures of light and dazzling cities of inhuman construction.
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